{"id":530,"date":"2004-11-03T14:51:00","date_gmt":"2004-11-03T20:51:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pauleide.com\/wordpress\/?p=530"},"modified":"2019-03-31T17:08:06","modified_gmt":"2019-03-31T22:08:06","slug":"donald-rumsfeld-announces-war-on-peace","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/i80sportsblog.com\/donald-rumsfeld-announces-war-on-peace\/","title":{"rendered":"Donald Rumsfeld Announces “War On Peace”"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"

In a stunning turn of events revealed on Wednesday, United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced plans for the commencement of a \u201cWar on Peace\u201d, slated to begin by sweeping American city streets as soon as next week.<\/p>\n

\u201cWith the failure of the \u2018War on Drugs\u2019, the \u2018War on Terrorism\u2019 and the trifecta, the \u2018War on Poverty\u2019, your government has decided to pick a fight that it can\u2019t possibly lose,\u201d said Rumsfeld as he casually adjusted his nut sac with both hands. \u201cBy needlessly slaughtering thousands, well\u2026.actually, we\u2019re hoping more like millions, of innocent people across the world, we can join together and eradicate a common enemy; Peace.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld continued.<\/p>\n

\u201cFirst we\u2019ll take out Detroit as a sort of practice round while we get a feel for our weapons. Anyone who has ever been to Detroit will tell you that this attack is completely warranted, as the city is a cesspool populated by vagrants and lower rung members of society. Plus, the citizens will be as well armed as our troops, so we\u2019ve got a real fight on our hands.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFrom there, the \u201cWar on Peace\u201d will continue with the eradication of several of our natural enemies within the United Nations that have been most noted for their peaceful accords and even more peaceable solutions; Fuckin\u2019 Hippies!\u201d<\/p>\n

Rumsfield stammered on.<\/p>\n

\u201cSome of these countries will include France, France and uh, this one other one, oh, man, what\u2019s it called? Oh yeah! France!Switzerland is also in the on-deck circle in terms of a full scale military assault, because as far as I\u2019m concerned, all that neutrality during war equals one thing and one thing only: Peace.\u201d<\/p>\n

At the conclusion of Donald Rumsfeld\u2019s speech, Capitol Hill\u2019s Cleanup Hitter, President George W. Bush, grabbed the mic and launched into what could only be described as subliminal date rape, but not before giving a few shout-outs to his Homies.<\/p>\n

\u201cBig Ups to \u201cTea Bag\u201d Tom Ridge, Condolezza \u201cBrown\u201d Rice, my man Donald \u201cD-Day\u201d Rumsfeld and my number one Homie in the streets, General \u201cT-Bone\u201d Tommy Franks! Without them I\u2019d probably still be misappropriating funds in Texas!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut seriously folks, this enemy has tried all sorts of angles and sneaky tactics to impose its ruthless agenda upon civilization as we know it. Did you know that they have Peace Training Grounds all over the world? Such commonly known and socially accepted organizations as The Red Cross and The Salvation Army are veritable hotbeds of Peace breeding activity! Not to mention various \u201cPeace Splinter Cells\u201d that are operating independently of the overall Peace network. These are not the cause of Peace, merely tentacles of a ruthless network connected all over the globe united by one underlying theme: Peace.\u201d<\/p>\n

President Bush continued.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomeone you know, quite possibly sitting in your very home at this very instant, underneath his rage-laden exterior, could be peaceful inside and you wouldn\u2019t even know it! Only when there is constant fighting from all angles at all costs, no matter what the body count, can Peace be avoided. You can\u2019t let these terrorists, or as I like to call them \u201cPeaceorists\u201d, win by not fighting!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe wars on Poverty, Drugs and Terrorism will continue simultaneously, although less emphasis will be placed upon them, to the point that you will barely even notice that they have been implemented at all. In other words, it\u2019ll be just like before the threat of imminent Peace. But make no mistake, just because they don\u2019t seem like they\u2019re working, doesn\u2019t mean were not gonna charge you for them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnyone who goes against the grain will be immediately labeled a \u201cPeaceorist\u201d and removed from the United States. These \u201cPeaceorists\u201d will be placed into an internment camp, have a government mandated computer chip forcibly inserted into the back of their skull, and be shipped off to Kashmir where they will work as rickshaw drivers until we bomb them.\u201d<\/p>\n

President Bush eventually concluded his speech while wagging an accusatory finger at the American public.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust remember, the next time you\u2019re sitting in your room, getting high by yourself because you have a drug problem, the money you spent on that bag of weed has allowed another jaded \u201cPeaceorist\u201d to purchase a tie-dyed Dashiki from a local thrift store. And to you, sir, I say one thing: Shame on you. Shame On You, Sir!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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